Hey all you aspiring writers out there! Wanna know how to get published?
Step 1: Hold your anus open Goatse-style and have a friend shoot an enema up your rectum.
Step 2: Locate the most vile and revolting thing that you spout out of your ass-fountain.
Step 3: Submit your tubgirl bowel-mush to a widely-read and `reputable’ paper like The Washington Post.
Step 4: Wait for the ensuing (bare)backlash. Read the rest of this entry »
“FOR GOOD HEALTH USE BEE POLLEN.” OK. I think I’ll digest this bee’s sperm (pollen is the sperm of plants), and I will become a better person through this. Wait a minute, since when do bees make pollen?
WARNING: DO NOT DRINK. This is the windshield hero? I thought that was Windshield-Saver-Man Oh well… you’ll have to do for now, Windshield Saver.
America is just getting fatter, and fatter, and fatter, and fatter, and lazier, and fatter… and lazier, constantly.
If you think you are going to get a good haircut with this thing, and don’t care about the whole “appearance” motif, then this product is for you! Mistake proof – if you accidentally cut off some of your hair, you can grow it back, it’s as easy as that.
What? What’s that you say? Nifty devices that for sale that really hurt your ears and make you look like a deaf space cadet that are great for watching TV? I think the philosophy of this catalog is that if it has a big red TV icon, then you will buy it
In the beginning, their was light, and God Sayeth to his Angel of the Highway, “Do not let people die on these Highway things that’ll be around in about a billion years. Got that, Carl?”
Thank you God, for the Angel of the Highway, whose representation I now proudly own. I’m sure Carl will protect me in my travels.
Surround yourself with laughter when fish sings & moves at the same time. Hey, buddy, they aren’t laughing with you.
Surprise your friends, neighbors, & coworkers. I imagine if you went to work wearing this hat, a scenario like this would play out:
“Hey Dale, what the hell is on your head?”
“Oh, Suzette, you noticed, it’s my new FISH HAT. Isn’t it hilarious?“
“Take that damn thing off, your friends, neighbors, & coworkers might see that hideous thing. Put it in the pile with the rest of that shit you bought from that catalog.”
I’ve looked at this for at least a minute, trying to figure out why the hell anyone would ever possibly want something like this. “To find your glasses in the dark, of course,” you say. No, silly, this is just a stupid, worthless product. It glows in the dark, too!
