Hey all you aspiring writers out there! Wanna know how to get published?
Step 1: Hold your anus open Goatse-style and have a friend shoot an enema up your rectum.
Step 2: Locate the most vile and revolting thing that you spout out of your ass-fountain.
Step 3: Submit your tubgirl bowel-mush to a widely-read and `reputable’ paper like The Washington Post.
Step 4: Wait for the ensuing (bare)backlash. Read the rest of this entry »
“FOR GOOD HEALTH USE BEE POLLEN.” OK. I think I’ll digest this bee’s sperm (pollen is the sperm of plants), and I will become a better person through this. Wait a minute, since when do bees make pollen?
In the beginning, their was light, and God Sayeth to his Angel of the Highway, “Do not let people die on these Highway things that’ll be around in about a billion years. Got that, Carl?”
Thank you God, for the Angel of the Highway, whose representation I now proudly own. I’m sure Carl will protect me in my travels.
I make frequent trips to the Porter Post Office in the afternoon. These trips have conjured up many intellectual questions, such as why is the line all the way out the door at 2:47, but nonexistent at 2:41? Why does the post office feel it has the privilege to close ten minutes early every day? Is it anyone’s job to clean the outside area by the P. O. Boxes? If you are curious why I ask, there is crinkled dead spider hanging in its own spiderweb by 809 that has been there since I started my job! His name is Milton. But the question that has been bugging me the most lately is: Why do people of the older persuasion seem to all have a certain scent? Yes, variations do exist, but there is no denying the odd mixture of mouthwash and mothballs accompanying every friendly old man that opens a door for me at the post office. It is similar in concept to how aged books seem to always have this mysterious odor. But the elderly are not made of trees, so this metaphor proves no apparent insight. Is it a special mouthwash for sensitive gums, a type of detergent popular in the 60’s, or a secret we will have to wait to find out? I am now curious what my smell will be when I become of the older persuasion… hopefully wine and cookies.
Just what I’ve been looking for, an elegant three-tier chandelier without the elegant three-tier chandelier price! My wife didn’t know what had gone through my mind, and thought I spent thousands of dollars on a real chandelier, but instead, I just super-glued some beer-bottle glass to these barrel rings that I found in the alley. It hangs from a ceiling light bulb, just like real chandeliers. Easily the classiest product we’ve featured.
